If Robin van Persie were a Writer

As Due Diligence becomes revised and settles down into a final product, it needs to be published and out to all those seething masses who have finished Shades of Grey and need something else to read.

The procedure for getting a first novel published is a bit strange, to say the least.

Imagine what it would be like if the same thing applied to footballers.

“Hello, Sir Alex, my name is Robin van Persie, I’m a really, really good footballer. I can score goals with my left foot and use my elbows in an effective manner.”

“Sorry son, can’t help you unless you have an agent. I’m not prepared to talk to you directly.”

Robin gets the Footballers and Hockey Players Yearbook and writes off to some agents. “Come and see me play next Sunday on Hackney Marshes” he says “I’ll be the one in the red shirt with white sleeves.”

Robin plays his heart out, runs around like a madman, scores seventeen spectacular goals and waits for the agents to get back to him.

Nothing.

He leaves it three weeks then telephones them to see what’s happening.

The first agent says they aren’t taking on new players at the moment, but thanks anyway.

The second agent says they only deal with left-handed hockey players, does he know any?

The third agent say the way he kicked off was not stylish enough and he had not stayed to watch the rest of the game.

The fourth agent says that his twitter profile isn’t good enough.

The fifth agent asks if he can play in goal.

Three years later after numerous attempts, an agent finally agrees to represent him.

“Quick” says Robin “ring Alex Ferguson, get me signed by Manchester United.”

Two more years pass.

“Good news” the agent says “I have signed you up with a team.”

“At last! Is it Manchester United? Will I get £200,000 a week?”

“Not quite. United said you are too old, they would have had you five years ago when they were desperate for a striker, but not now.”

“Then who?”

“It’s a really good deal, I had to pull alot of personal favours to get it for you. You’re going to play for Gillingham! They’ll pay you £200 a week but you have to wash your own kit. I get £30 of that, of course.”

So that’s roughly the procedure I’ll be going through.

Robin van Persie should consider himself lucky he isn’t a writer.

Higgs Boson

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After the momentous news from CERN, Northern Writer is proud to release an exclusive interview with Peter Higgs.

NW: Congratulations on CERN finding your boson

PH: Thank you

NW: When did you actually report it missing?

PH: I beg your pardon

NW: How long has everyone been looking for it?

PH: Oh, I see.  It’s about 48 years.

NW: Wow, that’s a long time to be doing without your boson. Did you have anything to replace it with?

PH: I’m sorry, I don’t understand

NW: Could you, for example, borrow someone else’s boson?

PH: No, it’s not like that at all. I wasn’t that sure my boson actually existed. It was a bit of a guess, really.

NW: So how much money and time has been spent running around looking for something that you just dreamt up?

PH: Lots. But it’s all been worthwhile now they found it.

NW: But a pointless waste if they didn’t. Didn’t you ever consider the trouble and expense you were putting people to?

PH: It was up to them, I didn’t insist they went looking for it.  They did it off they’re own bat.

NW: Fair enough. Now they’ve found it, are they going to give it back to you?

PH: A boson?

NW: Sure, it must be worth millions. I bet Bob Diamond already has one.

PH: Who?

NW: Will they put it in a nice box?

PH: A boson in a box? Do you understand anything at all about fundamental particles?

NW: Enough to get by.

PH: Then you’ll realise that what you’re proposing is ludicrous. The boson only existed for a million millionth of a second.  It’s gone.

NW: Gone?

PH: Yes, gone. It no longer exists, only the aftermath of its destruction.

NW: So they found it then destroyed it and now it’s gone?

PH: Yes, but that’s not the point. The fact that it exists at all is what matters.

NW: Or existed

PH: No, you don’t understand. They’re everywhere. All over the place. They’re the glue that sticks everything together.

NW: Everywhere?

PH: Afraid so

NW: Well, thank you for your time, our readers will be glad to hear that everyone, not just Bob Diamond, can have their own inexpensive Higgs boson this Christmas. It will probably outsell the Kindle.